Surprise

Rainbows make my heart smile.

Last week, I spent the day with a friend of mine who lives a few hours north from where I’m staying.  Towards the end of the day, we were walking to my car after visiting one of the many local food venues when we saw a double rainbow.  I whipped out my camera, snapped a photo, and then stared in awe!  It was the clearest double rainbow I’d ever seen.  Crisp colors streaked through the sky against a dark, grey background while the sun, shining from the west, worked alongside the rain to help create the aerial art.

My friend and I didn’t have plans lined up, so I decided to chase the rainbow for a while.  I just kept driving.  It was so nice not to have a plan, to go with the flow thanks to the unexpected.  There was a joy I felt in the anticipation of our next step and not knowing where we were going.  That’s what I would like to talk about today, the joy found in surprise.

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Expectations

Have you ever smelled a Ponderosa Pine tree?

If you move your nose close to it’s brown and red whittled bark, you’re likely to pick up scents of something sweet.  It’ll stir memories for some of you.  For me, memories flashed of the cupcakes my mom made for me and my siblings while we were growing up.  Many a cake and cupcake were made through out our rearing years, and that tree smelled just like the frosting she would spread generously on the cooling confections.

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Ruby

It’s so hard to say goodbye.

A few weeks ago, back in June, I had promised you all that I’d publish a blog post on the 30th.  I didn’t make good on that promise.  I traveled back to Illinois to help my partner clean out our apartment, as our lease was up the 30th, and to help my brother move into his first place outside of school on the 1st.  I also attended the bridal shower for my brother’s fiancee, went to my dear friend’s birthday party, and got to spend a lot of time with my family and loved ones.  I couldn’t really ask for more.

But I did.  I asked for Ruby get better.  My partner had taken her to the vet to have her checked out for an eye infection; a bottle of eye drops later, and she was back home.  However, after my arrival to Illinois and our apartment, I could see that things were not improving.  We took her in two more times, and were told to be hopeful, but were also told that it could be cancer.

Her condition only worsened in those few, short days, and we made the decision on Sunday, July 2nd at 10:00 pm, to take her to the after-hours vet and end her suffering.

We had to choose to end her suffering.  Watching her struggle to live, I was hoping with all my being that she would pull through, and I wouldn’t have to make that decision.   I didn’t want her to go; I wanted to bring her out to Colorado with me and watch her roam around a new apartment, and I wanted her to see the mountains and the magpies.  Knowing that she’ll never see that breaks my heart all over again.  She was only eight years old, and she only shared two of those with us.

But they were two wonderful years; she inspired this blog, she had the loudest purr of any of our cats, and she was the best cuddle buddy.  She was my friend, my fur baby, and my goopy-eyed kitten.

Letting her go, and in turn telling you all about it, has been the hardest thing I’ve every had to do.  Tears splatter my keyboard as I type.  But in telling you all, and in Ruby’s passing, there is peace.  The day after she passed, I felt a calm that I hadn’t felt since I had found out she was sick.  I no longer had to watch her in a declining stage of health, wishing for days when she was better.  She was no longer struggling for the life that was clearly out of her reach.

I felt so selfish that next day.  I felt like I was betraying her for feeling better once she was gone, but the thing is, the suffering for us all had ended as well.  There were no longer any decisions to be made, struggles to be witnessed, prayers to be prayed.  She was at peace, and we could be too.

Ruby’s passing has helped me better understand the passing of others, people who have gone before her that I was still struggling to come to terms with, in my own way.  I now know that death brings a quiet peace with it and a knowledge that the suffering is over for my loved ones; other than asking for their presence, I can’t ask for more than that.

The thing about loss is it never really gets easier; the only difference is that life continues to fill the days we’re given, and those new days act as padding for our loss.  Certain experiences will cut through that padding and dig right into that pain and make it raw again.  No amount of time will heal the wound, but that’s what keeps their memories alive.

I say leave the wound uncovered, let it breathe, and just be careful not to let it get infected.  Let out the tears, sobs, and anger, but don’t let it consume you.  Remember your loved ones, don’t forget or cover them up.  And if, ten years from now, you’re still crying, don’t feel ashamed.  Those people still lived.  Those experiences with them still happened and were real.  There is no need to suppress memories and feelings.

Loss doesn’t have to be a sign of weakness.  There is strength in acknowledging the pain.

With that, I’ll sign off and say one last goodbye to my sweet baby girl.

-Cheers

Ruby: Beloved Feline, Supercharged Purrbox, and Bathroom Monitor

Rest In Peace: 2017

 

Traveling

Hey All!

I wasn’t able to get a post out yesterday like I wanted. I’m traveling to Illinois this morning. I’ll have a new post for you next week!

Thanks for understanding!

-Cheers

Change

Change is hard.

First, you have to decide if change is worth it.  People can take a lifetime to come to the conclusion that things need to change, like a career move at age 50.  Others are more spontaneous and, for example, sign up for skydiving on a whim.

Then, you have to actually make the change.  Change could involve a plan, multiple steps, or even enlisting outside help.  Other times, change could just be one little tweak in your daily routine.

Once the easy parts are done, you have to live with the choices that were made.  Any feedback, positive or negative, is bound to come pouring in, and you will have to learn how to respond appropriately.

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Getting Started

New beginnings are often messier than we imagine them to be.

For the second time in my life, I’m unemployed without a clear backup plan; thankfully, both times, I’ve chosen this path rather than being forced into unemployment.  I had the ability to walk away from where I was because it wasn’t the right fit for me.  How grateful I am to be blessed with the opportunity to make my life one of my choosing.

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Being Brave

Sometimes, you don’t fit into the mold like everyone else.

You try your hardest to live the life you’ve grown up thinking you’re going to live.  Accept that promising job, buy a fancy house, drive a nice car, make a bunch of friends, go on tropical vacations, the list goes on.

When you don’t quite meet those goals, and end up working at a bar at age 27, are still renting apartments, and your car may or may not decide to start in the morning, you start to feel like you’re doing something wrong.  You start feeling down about the way your life is going, feeling like you’re making all the wrong choices.

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Slow Down

…and we’re back!

Happy Wednesday y’all.  It’s finally March.  The end of February proved difficult for me, as it tends to be every year.  I was glad to have the distraction away from the blog.  My Norwex business is slowly building, my day job has started picking up, and life in general is getting a bit more interesting.

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